Shalom Life | March 30, 2015

Hugh Hefner Suffering Depression, Refuses to Change Out of Pajamas and Robe

We have some suggestions for the world's most eligible bachelor over 80.

By: Daniel Horowitz

Published: June 19th, 2011 in Culture » TV

Hugh Hefner Suffering Depression, Refuses to Change Out of Pajamas and Robe

A source inside Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion has told reporters that, in the wake of being dumped by his 25-year-old fiancée Crystal Harris, the Playboy Founder is so depressed, he is refusing to even change out of his pajamas and robe.

Hugh Hefner’s father was a Methodist, while his mother, it is said, was a member of the Tribe, making baby Hughy a Jew.

So, how does a nice Jewish boy handle being dumped by his 25-year-old fiancée, who, by the way, like all of Hefner’s previous brides, happens to be a stunning knockout?

Screw chicken soup for the soul, there’s only so much comfort knaidlach can provide.

Did I mention that his former fiancée was 25, stunning, and a Playboy cover girl and centre fold!

Better bring out a jar of shmeer, too!

So, while Hugh spends his days – in his sleeping clothes – merely shelpping around the Mansion, I can commiserate with him and understand why he’s so depressed.

After all, who would possibly enjoy spending day after excruciating day, watching a bevy of perfect young women play volleyball in bikinis, or swim naked in his pool’s grotto, knowing that you could choose to bring any of them to your bed, whenever you choose.

Poor Hef! So, in an attempt to play matchmaker just like Yenta, herself, Shalom Life has a few possible suggestions for Pyjamaman!

First of all, register on J-Date as soon as possible! True, your potential dates may not all look like Barbie as you’re used to, but there’s plenty of beautiful Jewish girls out there. Or, if you still consider yourself “married”, due to the fact that you surround yourself with dozens of potential brides every day, you might want to try out Ashley Madison!

And, if you want someone closer to your own age, there’s always the various Cougar dating sites! I know the thought of an 85-year-old man suffering the embrace of a 4—year-old woman must seem repugnant you, Hef, but what the hell, you never know where true love may be hiding.

Then again, what about Lindsay Lohan? She’s been in and out of rehab a number of times she’s been arrested for shoplifting, she’s driven drunk a number of times. In other words, she’s fucked up just enough to marry a man sixty (that’s 60) years old than her!

She already comes with one of those ankle bracelets which is pretty handy if you want to get hitched and want to avoid another run-away bride!

Of Course There's An 'Uptown Funk' Passover Parody Of Course There's An 'Uptown Funk' Passover Parody TrendingOp-Ed: Lena Dunham’s 'Dog or Jewish Boyfriend' Piece is Thoughtless and Offensive Op-Ed: Lena Dunham’s 'Dog or Jewish Boyfriend' Piece is Thoughtless and Offensive TrendingJames Deen to Play Himself on Showtime's 'Happyish' James Deen to Play Himself on Showtime's 'Happyish' Trending
 

Of Course There's An 'Uptown Funk' Passover Parody

March 29, 2015 | By Daniel Koren
Of Course There's An 'Uptown Funk' Passover Parody

Brought to you from the same Jewish a cappella group that brought "Chanukah (Shake It Off)"

Read More

Wales Defeats Israel 3 - 0 in EURO 2016 Qualifiers

March 28, 2015 | By Daniel Koren
Wales Defeats Israel 3 - 0 in EURO 2016 Qualifiers

The blue-and-whites experienced their first loss of the EURO 2016 qualifying matches at home in Haifa

Read More

Op-Ed: Obama, not Netanyahu, is Killing the Two-State Solution

March 27, 2015 | By Ben Cohen, JNS.org
Op-Ed: Obama, not Netanyahu, is Killing the Two-State Solution

The U.S. President has never really empathized with the emotions that govern Israeli perceptions of the wider region

Read More

Op-Ed: Lena Dunham’s 'Dog or Jewish Boyfriend' Piece is Thoughtless and Offensive

March 27, 2015 | By Caitlin Marceau
Op-Ed: Lena Dunham’s 'Dog or Jewish Boyfriend' Piece is Thoughtless and Offensive

In her latest literary endeavour, 'Girls' star Dunham tries to come across as funny by comparing her boyfriend to a dog; she doesn't

Read More

James Deen to Play Himself on Showtime's 'Happyish'

March 27, 2015 | By Daniel Koren
James Deen to Play Himself on Showtime's 'Happyish'

The prolific Jewish porn star will appear in a cameo on the new show out on April 26th

Read More

Woman Exposes Herself To Minors At Arizona Bar Mitzvah

March 27, 2015 | By Caitlin Marceau
Woman Exposes Herself To Minors At Arizona Bar Mitzvah

Lindsey Radomski is being charged by police after allegedly exposing herself to, and performing oral sex on, minors at a Bar Mitzvah this past Saturday

Read More

Association Assisting Holocaust Survivors Needs Your Help To Make Their Passover Seder Possible

March 27, 2015 | By Caitlin Marceau
Association Assisting Holocaust Survivors Needs Your Help To Make Their Passover Seder Possible

The group, which holds an annual Passover Seder, is in danger of having to cancel their event due to the lack of funds needed to help the 450+ survivors who, without them, will be celebrating alone this year

Read More

Shortly Before they Died in Brooklyn Fire, the Sassoon Children Recorded This Emotional Song [VIDEO]

March 27, 2015 | By Tali Farkash & Liron Nagler-Cohen
Shortly Before they Died in Brooklyn Fire, the Sassoon Children Recorded This Emotional Song [VIDEO]

Song is their own version of Hasidic singer Yaakov Shwekey's hit "Cry No More"

Read More

More Headlines