Shalom Life | September 18, 2014

Hugh Hefner Suffering Depression, Refuses to Change Out of Pajamas and Robe

We have some suggestions for the world's most eligible bachelor over 80.

By: Daniel Horowitz

Published: June 19th, 2011 in Culture » TV

Hugh Hefner Suffering Depression, Refuses to Change Out of Pajamas and Robe

A source inside Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion has told reporters that, in the wake of being dumped by his 25-year-old fiancée Crystal Harris, the Playboy Founder is so depressed, he is refusing to even change out of his pajamas and robe.

Hugh Hefner’s father was a Methodist, while his mother, it is said, was a member of the Tribe, making baby Hughy a Jew.

So, how does a nice Jewish boy handle being dumped by his 25-year-old fiancée, who, by the way, like all of Hefner’s previous brides, happens to be a stunning knockout?

Screw chicken soup for the soul, there’s only so much comfort knaidlach can provide.

Did I mention that his former fiancée was 25, stunning, and a Playboy cover girl and centre fold!

Better bring out a jar of shmeer, too!

So, while Hugh spends his days – in his sleeping clothes – merely shelpping around the Mansion, I can commiserate with him and understand why he’s so depressed.

After all, who would possibly enjoy spending day after excruciating day, watching a bevy of perfect young women play volleyball in bikinis, or swim naked in his pool’s grotto, knowing that you could choose to bring any of them to your bed, whenever you choose.

Poor Hef! So, in an attempt to play matchmaker just like Yenta, herself, Shalom Life has a few possible suggestions for Pyjamaman!

First of all, register on J-Date as soon as possible! True, your potential dates may not all look like Barbie as you’re used to, but there’s plenty of beautiful Jewish girls out there. Or, if you still consider yourself “married”, due to the fact that you surround yourself with dozens of potential brides every day, you might want to try out Ashley Madison!

And, if you want someone closer to your own age, there’s always the various Cougar dating sites! I know the thought of an 85-year-old man suffering the embrace of a 4—year-old woman must seem repugnant you, Hef, but what the hell, you never know where true love may be hiding.

Then again, what about Lindsay Lohan? She’s been in and out of rehab a number of times she’s been arrested for shoplifting, she’s driven drunk a number of times. In other words, she’s fucked up just enough to marry a man sixty (that’s 60) years old than her!

She already comes with one of those ankle bracelets which is pretty handy if you want to get hitched and want to avoid another run-away bride!

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