Shalom Life | October 02, 2014

Shalom Love With Stacie Ikka- I'm In Love With Someone That I Can't Have

Stacie gives advice to a reader that is in love with someone who is unavailable

By: Ashley Baylen

Published: February 20th, 2012 in Culture » Society » News

Shalom Love With Stacie Ikka- I'm In Love With Someone That I Can't Have
Matchmaker and dating coach, Stacie Ikka, has been writing for Shalom Life for about two months- covering topics ranging from great places to meet singles to the best way to introduce your new partner to your family for the first time.

Shalom Life readers love Stacie, but started having questions of their own that weren’t covered by her weekly articles. We were flooded with emails with questions for Stacie, so we decided to switch our format and give our readers what they want.

If you have a question for Stacie, email her at stacie@shalomlife.com. Every week, Stacie will choose one question to answer. Don’t worry- everyone will remain anonymous.

Frustrated In Love asks:

Stacie, I have been in love with someone for the past year who is unavailable to me. I have tried many times to get over it but that doesn’t just feel natural. Logic tells me to move on but my heart won’t let me. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear Frustrated In Love,

Thank you for your question. You have my sympathy. I think many of us have been in a similar situation where we’ve had feelings for someone who hasn’t reciprocated. There is no denying how painful that is. Without knowing all of the details of your specific circumstances, it’s difficult for me to give advice that you may find helpful. A few questions that come to mind are:

1) What makes him unavailable to you?

2) What is it about him that you love?

3) What is the “logic” you refer to?

4) What have you done to try to “get over him” and what has made it feel unnatural?

5) How is your heart preventing you from moving on?

While these questions may seem obvious, perhaps it’s worthwhile for you to go through the exercise of answering them for yourself…in the absence of friends, family or any other external sources.

I’m concerned that you have been – seemingly – fixated on someone for such a long period of time. It makes me wonder what he represents for/to you and what void he may be filling. Have you dated other people in the interim? Do you have any other potential suitors? When we feel that we only have one option available to us, it’s really easy to attach all of our hopes, dreams and desires to that person.

Without knowing anything about you, the object of your affection, or the circumstances, I do know that you deserve more. You deserve someone who is available to you – physically, emotionally, romantically…in every sense of the word. You deserve to be with someone who has the same feelings for you as you do for them. You deserve to be with someone whose heart keeps them with you, as yours is trying to do with this particular individual. You deserve to be so busy enjoying the attention and affection that your partner is lavishing upon you that you don’t have any time left to bemoan or begrudge what you’re missing.

I hope that you will consider “putting yourself out there” – dating, flirting, socializing…as often as possible – even if only to provide yourself with a superficial distraction. I genuinely believe that over time – as more appealing options present themselves (which can only happen if you open yourself in some capacity to the possibilities) – you will realize that this person is not right for you. At least, not now.


Stacie

www.sittinginatree.com
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