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Passover With Jewish Comedians - Moshe Kasher

Shalom Life asked 5 of our favorite Jewish comedians to share a Passover memory. Moshe Kasher marks Day 3.
By: Ashley Baylen
Published: April 6th, 2012 in Culture » Society » Interviews
Moshe Kasher

Happy Passover! Time to get together with family, eat good food, and share stories.

Shalom Life asked 5 of our favorite Jewish comedians to share a Passover memory.

Moshe instead decided to share a comical, yet inspirational, Passover short story.

Enjoy!

It is said that whoever finds the Afikomen on Passover is granted a wish that cannot be refused by the master of the house. That wish, no matter how extravagant or unusual must be fulfilled and until the lucky discoverer is satisfied that his wish has been granted, the Seder cannot continue. This is the story of the night that went quite wrong.

It was Erev Pesach and Shmulie slumped down at the head of his Seder table with a great relieved sigh. The week was finally over. He'd been running around all week, shopping for Matzah and Matzah Meal and Matzah based beverages and other assorted constipation aids. Shmulie was exhausted.

“ Why are you sitting down!?!” Pessy yelled from the kitchen, “Get the door!”

How his wife even knew he had just sat down was beyond Shmulie's grasp. Pessy had a kind of second sight that tuned right into Shmulie's attempts at rest. Anytime he took a deep breath she would yell, “Don't breathe!” He didn't know how to comply.

Pessy was the boss, always had been. Mostly, Shmulie accepted it , as she seemed able to know all of the things that he didn't quite know how to do. She was his queen and it didn't matter to him if she only rarely treated him like a prince. For her, he would be a pauper- he would be a page.

“GET THE DOOR!!!” Pessy shrieked from the kitchen.

“Pessy, no one is at the door!” Shmulie tried to sound reasonable.

Just then the doorbell rang. How had she known!?!

Shmulie ended his one-breath-long vacation and got himself up and sauntered into the hall to welcome the Pesach Guests. One step at a time the plastic runner in the hall buckled beneath his big feet. He made his way to the door.

One by one the guests trickled in. Shmulie didn't know any of them, but he greeted each of them with a big fake smile and a warm “ Chag Sameach!”

He'd done this before. This was the seventh year in a row they'd hosted a Seder for the neighborhood. A sea of strangers washed into their dining room and ate as much as they could then leaked out into the streets. Shmulie hated it. He hated strangers and it was odd to him that some of the people Pessy invited were non-Jews. Why would they be invited to Passover? Sure the Hagaddah says “Let all who are hungry , come and eat!” but they couldn't have meant let all who are hungry, right? Hungry goys too?

Oh well, Pessy knew best. Shmulie repeated this to himself for the ten thousandth time and got to the business of beginning the Seder. At the far end of the table was a Laotian family who clearly didn't even know what they were doing there. Confused looks were exchanged when Shmulie dipped the parsley into the salt water and splashed the water on his face to show them that they were tears.

“Tears get it? Like boo hoo?”

“Why are they tears?” Bok, the youngest Laotian boy asked.

“ Because we remember the tears our people shed in the desert , toiling for the Egyptians in the hot sun.” Shmulie recited, as if from a script.

“ In Laos, we cried too... do you want to know why?” Bok asked.

“Not really, no.” Shmulie just wanted to get through this meal.

“Shmulie! Don't be rude.” Pessy turned to the Seder guests, “Sorry about him, he's been emotionally off lately. We think its gluten. Thank goodness for Passover, the original Lo-Carb diet!” She shrieked disgustingly and turned to Bok and said, “ We'd love to know why you cried.” Pessy's face scrunched up in compassion in that singular way that only white women sympathizing with brown people can manage.

Bok spoke, “In Laos we cried because we didn't have a floor. Our hut was lined with dirt...”

“Well that's horrible, sorry about that Bok, back to Passover...” Shmulie couldn't stand stuff like this.

“IM NOT FINISHED! We ate worms and grubs. We had one well but it was filthy and we had to drink it anyway. My father died of dysentery”

“Is that everything?” Shmulie was losing his patience here. He hadn't signed on for an address at the United Nations. He just wanted to eat that fucking Afikomen and be done with this thing.

“No. It is not everything.” Bok then began a 45 minute speech about that hardships of life in Laos that was so painful to listen to that Shmulie imagined he now knew exactly how it felt to be a slave in Egypt, or in fact, a boy in Laos.

Related articles: Passover, Jewish, Memories, Comedy, Comedians, Kasher In the Rye, Moshe Kasher, Stories, Conan, Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Lately, Shameless
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