HomeNewsBusinessCultureHealthVideoNewsletter

Post Mayan Apocalypse, One Man's Vision of Repopulating the World

On the very slight chance there is a December 22nd, what will you do?

By: Daniel Horowitz
Published: December 19th, 2012 in News » World

I’m not doubting the Mayans’ claim that the world is going to end on December 21st, in fact, I’ve always believed it, which means I’m screwed if it doesn’t since I blew January’s mortgage payment in Vegas last week.

The truth is, if for no other reason, an Apocalyptic date like December 21st does give one a different perspective on the world, and on our priorities.

Feeling guilty about the way I treated a few ex-girlfriends from decades gone by, I made it a point to call each one personally to apologize to them for the way I dumped them. I thought it would allow me to enter the afterworld, if there is an afterworld, with a clean slate. I imagined each of them embracing me while their tears streamed down their cheeks, as they thanked me for finally giving them closure while insisting that they never stopped loving me.

Unfortunately, as is often the case, reality didn’t exactly live up to my imagination as not one of my exes even remembered dating me, and two told me they’d call the police if I ever called again.

But, imagine for a moment that December 21st is really it for all of us. Other than some advantage such as never having to listen to Barbara Streisand or Neil Diamond’s version of Little Drummer Boy, what would you do in the few remaining days of your life?

As human beings, and as Jews, we have a certain responsibility to do what we can to ensure that life goes on, and that, as our people have always done, we look to the future.

So, to that end, and with apologies to Steve Carell’s film, “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World”, in which a killer asteroid nears earth sending Carell on a search to reunite with his high school sweetheart who happens to be the aesthetically pleasing Kiera Knightly, I’ve put together my own list of people I’d surround myself if life was to end in a matter of days.

For example, I think that, solely for the perpetuation of the species, I should find myself a mate with whom I could repopulate the species. And while normally I would prefer a Jessica Alba or a Christie Brinkley, circa 1980, I should bring home a nice Jewish girl. So, Bar Refaeli, congratulations on being truly one of the Chosen!

Of course, I would need someone to help relieve the clouds of tension that would undoubtedly be hanging over us as we awaited the end of the world, so I would enlist Louie CK to keep the conversation light and fun. Oh wait, he would actually depress me even more.

Of course, as we awaited our demise, treating oneself to delectable gastronomical delights would be the least we could do, so, Jamie Oliver and, perhaps Gordon Ramsey would help make life, or at least the last few days of it, sweet. And I’d insist that Ramsey come along only so that I could beat the crap out of him just for being the prick that he is.

And, of course, if we are going to repopulate the species, we’re going to need an innovator, a scientist and, of course, an architect to help us rebuild our towns and cities. And who better than Israel’s own Neri Oxman, the perfect combination of intellect, social activist, innovator, and beauty. And, it would be amazing to see Neri and Bar cat fighting over me. Hey, it's my fantasy.

And, just to show you that I’m a good sport, even if nothing happens on December 21st, and life as we know it continues far beyond what those pessimistic Mayans, I’m still willing to move to the dessert, where there is no sign of life present, and repopulate a new world comprised of dessert-dwelling Jews that have the looks of Bar, the brains of Neri, and absolutely nothing of mine.

Related articles: Mayan, End of the World, Apocalypse, December 21, Mayan Calendar, Bar Rafeli, Neri Oxman
0 times
Soccer is Alive and Well and Living in Toronto

From generation to generation: youngsters get their kicks

IDF Discovers Hundreds of Antiquated Weapons in Dead Sea Area

Many Weapons Pre-dated Israel's Independence

U.S-Made Missiles Intercepted by Egyptians

Six Weapons Were About to be Smuggled into Gaza

Israel Rings in New Year With New Law Affecting Models

Another Step in the Battle Against Eating Disorders

A Long-Awaited Reunion

19-Year-Old IDF Soldier From Montreal ”Wants to Be Like Dad”

Examining One’s Relationship with Israel as a Diaspora Jew

Dr. Ken Stein Featured Speaker at Upcoming Community Event

Soccer is Alive and Well and Living in Toronto

From generation to generation: youngsters get their kicks

IDF Discovers Hundreds of Antiquated Weapons in Dead Sea Area

Many Weapons Pre-dated Israel's Independence

U.S-Made Missiles Intercepted by Egyptians

Six Weapons Were About to be Smuggled into Gaza

Israel Rings in New Year With New Law Affecting Models

Another Step in the Battle Against Eating Disorders

A Long-Awaited Reunion

19-Year-Old IDF Soldier From Montreal ”Wants to Be Like Dad”

Examining One’s Relationship with Israel as a Diaspora Jew

Dr. Ken Stein Featured Speaker at Upcoming Community Event

news_scroll_down
OUR FACEBOOK FANS
Blogs
Take Responsibility for Your Own

The 19 year old sophomore sat on the exam table looking at the floor. A college student with obvious charm

The Stanford Prison Experiment at

In 1971, researchers set up a prison in the basement of Stanford University's Psychology Department. The idea was to

U.S. vs. Europe: Health Care

As I have tried to make abundantly clear the United States is the only country in the industrialized world that

Hands Off America

Alright, that does it.Since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, Americans have been willing to do their part for

Fat Returns After Liposuction ...

A study appeared in a journal titled “Obesity” which was reported by a group from the University of Colorado. In

What does Victory Look Like?

Sixty-five years ago today, World War II officially came to an end. On September 2, 1945, Japanese Foreign Minister

Share This Story With Your Friends!

Your Name:

Friend's Name:

E-Mail:

Friend's E-Mail:

(This information will not be displayed publicly)

Optional Message: