Shalom Life | April 04, 2014

Rabbi Eats Bacon, No One Notices

Heinous crime goes unnoticed in park, a sign of moral decline in society

By: Zak Edwards

Published: April 1st, 2014 in News » World

Rabbi Eats Bacon, No One Notices

It started out like any other day.

Rabbi Avi Rottenberg was walking to work and happened to pass by a local restaurant. He was reportedly consulting on a few bar mitzvahs later and needed "a quick bite" to keep him going. What happened next will surely disturb some of our readers. Full warning: for those with weak stomachs or any sort of moral compass, prepare for some disturbing news.

Rottenberg purchased, with full knowledge, a bacon sandwich. After speaking to the servers, they claimed he even asked for extra grease to be left to soak into the bun, but that may have just been the quality of the deli. Afterwards, Rottenberg took to Trinity Bellwoods Park where he proceeded to eat his non-kosher meal amongst other innocent park-users.

Luckily, ShalomLife was at the park, enjoying the first day of spring as we ate lox & cream cheese bagels, and were able to get the full story. As Rottenberg sat there, hunched over as he ate his sinful indulgence, we interviewed people at the scene.

One jogger refused to even break stride to talk to us, probably wanting to move as quickly away from the smell and sight of a rabbi eating bacon. Another, John McCreedy, who would probably describe himself as a jogger and food enthusiast if he stayed longer to talk to us, expressed bafflement. “I thought kosher was a type of salt. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to my run.”

“Seriously,” McCreedy said after we asked him more questions, “leave me alone.”

Another passerby said he passed the bench four times in the past 20 minutes while running in circles, but didn’t notice the rabbi eating bacon once. “What happened? Oh, I didn’t see.” A second park goer added, “Is that a thing?” Ryan Campbell had noticed the smell but not Rottenberg and talked to us while eating his own recently purchased bacon sandwich. “These things are great, have you tried one?”

Even a local food truck operator hadn’t noticed, claiming he was busy serving customers and would like to get back to his work. He was clearly experiencing some existential dread at Rottenberg’s crime. “I don’t know what you are talking about? Don’t you have something better to do with your lives?”

ShalomLife reporters interviewed many more people in the area, most eager to move away from the scene as quickly as possible, saying they hadn’t seen the rabbi eating bacon, didn’t care, and would like to get back to their day. But probably the most upset by the entire event was young Jody Stewart, a five-year-old whose playtime at the nearby playground was interrupted by Rottenberg’s crime. “I want to keep playing on the monkey bars!” she said in a desperate cry to her mommy. “These people won’t let me play! Leave me alone!”

In what is probably a conspiracy orchestrated by Rottenberg to ensure he can keep up his illicit activities, ShalomLife reporters were escorted from the park by city employees, saying our reporting, not Rottenberg’s heinous yet delicious-smelling crime, was the bigger problem. “Seriously man, we don’t care about the bacon,” was one employee’s excuse, “You gotta stop.”

Stay tuned to ShalomLife as we watch this develop from a distance.

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