Shalom Life | April 17, 2014

Helen Thomas Named Knesset’s New Press Secretary

The Knesset is about to get a lot more interesting.

By: Fake News Staff

Published: January 14th, 2011 in News » World

Helen Thomas Named Knesset’s New Press Secretary

In a surprise move that nobody could have possibly anticipated, longtime White House news correspondent Helen Thomas, 89, who has asked questions to every president since John F. Kennedy, is the Knesset’s new Press Secretary.

Thomas, who’s unique no-holds barred interview style often made press secretaries gasp and her colleagues cringe, retired last year, following an uproar over her remarks that Jews should “get the hell out of Palestine” and “go home to Poland, Germany and America and everywhere else.”

When asked about his newest employee, Israel’s prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu seemed pleased. “Finally, there will be somebody in the Knesset with a lower approval rating than me,” joked the prime minister.

“I have no idea what all the fuss is about with you people,” Thomas told a reporter from The Jerusalem Post who asked her about her new position. “I have always enjoyed working with and around Jews. I have never had anything but affection and respect for Jews, especially the ones who know their place which, of course, is Poland or Germany.”

The above story is fictional. Of course. The chances of Thomas being Israel's Press Secretary are about the same as this piece winning a Pulitzer. Also, it gave us another reason to post this picture.

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