Shalom Life | April 23, 2014

Hugo Chavez Plans to Give Iran More Outdated Military Junk

Venezuelan President is a hoarder of militaristic proportions

By: Daniel Horowitz

Published: July 13th, 2012 in News » World

Hugo Chavez Plans to Give Iran More Outdated Military Junk

It was recently reported that Venezuela gave Iran an F-16 fighter jet. Most experts saw this as two dictators growing closer together via their shared hatred of the West, but fiction is stranger than truth.

According to an anonymous source, Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela, suffers from a terrible case of hoarding, and based on recommendations from his psychiatrist, is giving away whatever junk he has lying around. In Iran, Chavez apparently found that friend everyone wishes they had, the one who will take that old sofa your dog pissed on a thousand times.

It is told that Chavez’s presidential palace resembles an airplane graveyard, with parts of F-16s, Douglas World Cruiser, some biplanes and other military aircraft scattered about, forcing the 58-year-old to crawl over decrepit cockpits and badly battered wings simply to enter his bedroom.

In other words, he is a hoarder of militaristic proportions.

After seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in helping those who refuse to throw anything out, preferring to live in squalor and unsafe conditions, Chavez is slowly showing signs of improvement, and is starting to recognize his problem.

The first major milestone in his recovery was giving away his much beloved F-16, which he was using as storage for his betamax movie collection.

“It was getting hard for me to even open my garage door in order for me to take my recycling bins down to the street,” says Chavez. “I knew I had a problem with hoarding when I found an old flotilla in my bathtub, some old tanks in my attic, and a strange woman in my bed who, I assumed, wrongly, was my wife.”

The F-16 that Chavez gave to Iran is, apparently, not of concern to Israel, as it's really old, and equipped with archaic generation Electronic Warfare (EW) Systems. The aircraft does not concern the Israelis simply because it will not give the Iranians any indications as to the capabilities of newer generations of F-16 aircraft, such as the Israeli Air Force’s F-16 Sufa (Storm).

“Why should we be concerned about such an old, outdated, and virtually useless aircraft,” stated an Israeli Military Spokesman on the condition of anonymity. “I hear Chavez is also planning on cleaning out his study and living room, so I suppose the Iranians will be getting his Bat out of Hell and The Stranger 8-Track tapes, too. Does that mean the music industry is worried? I doubt it, and it’s the same thing with his old planes.”

The above story is partially fictitious. Yes, Chavez gave Iran an F16, and yes, Israel isn't concerned because it's an outdated piece of junk. And yes, Chavez has a massive collection of 8-Track tapes, but the rest is purely fiction.

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