Educating the Community about Abuse

Jewish Women International CanadaPic: Jewish Women International Canada

If there is one message that Jewish Women International of Canada (JWIC) Executive Director Penny Krowitz wants to convey to the Jewish community, it is that violence against women takes many forms, not just physical violence – and the Jewish community is not immune.

“One of the big misconceptions about abuse is that most people understand the term abuse or violence against women as meaning only being physically attacked in some way because it’s very visible if someone has been punched or kicked or has a broken leg,” said Krowitz. “One of the big things we do in our work is we help people understand that violence against women has many broad applications and is perpetrated in many different ways that are very insidious and very difficult to understand and Identify.”

Other than physical abuse, there is also emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, financial and spiritual abuse,” she said.

JWIC began in Canada in 1923. A large part of their mandate is educating the public to understand all the different facets and forms of abuse, and to be able to detect the warning signs. They also co-sponsor, with Jewish Family & Child of Toronto, ASTEH (Alternative Short Term Emergency Housing for Abused Jewish Women and their Children), a community-based shelter for abused women and their children. While abuse also happens to men, Krowitz said that the majority of victims are women, and many, sadly, do not come forward.

“Our work is all about educating the public about abuse, what it looks like, who it can happen to, what the resources are if it does happen to you,” said Krowitz.

She explained that one of the hardest issues to deal with is that verbal or psychological abuse generally starts of innocently, becoming vicious later. At first glance, there does not always seem to be any abuse going on – comments or put downs are sometimes excused as the result of workplace stress. Krowitz said that an early warning sign in this type of relationship – the first sign of abuse – is an obsession with control.

She describes abuse as “A pattern of behaviours in which one person excerpts control over the other person’s actions and behaviour,” noting that it can happen at any age, even with teenagers in a relationship.

Once the abuse begins, women often adjust their behaviour to “keep peace” and to keep their partner from becoming angry. Often the behaviours include isolating women from their support system of family and friends. She said that this typically begins “insidiously and slowly” and involves a pattern of “put downs.” The woman begins to genuinely believe that she cannot do anything right in her personal life.

Krowitz said that with many Jewish women being driven by the concept of shalom bayit (“domestic harmony”), and with the family being revered in Judaism, they experience “overwhelming shame” when a relationship deteriorates into abuse. She added that shalom bayit is a wonderful concept but noted that it also has an inverse repercussion it can “pull us down” because the woman feels that if she does not hold up to the standards of shalom bayit then she is a failure. So, it is very common in the Jewish community for women to not come forward when they are being abused in order to avoid the extreme shame and humiliation of admitting that the relationship is not working or that they are seeking a divorce. (To help women in this situation, JWI Canada has written a pamphlet entitled “Questions & Answers about Divorce for Jewish Women.”)

Furthermore, Krowitz stated that many Jewish women are afraid to leave the relationship due to financial and social concerns. If she divorces her husband, she might not be able to afford to live in a Jewish neighbourhood, send her kids to a Jewish summer camp or find a good shidduch for her children.

Many women do not even realize they are in an abusive relationship. After a while, as they become accustomed, the abusing behaviour just seems normal. And once they get used to the abuse on one level, it generally escalates. This causes self-esteem to gradually erode until they hit bottom and find it extremely difficult to leave.

“Abuse knows no boundaries,” Krowitz said. “Abuse can happen to anyone. No one is immune from being abused.” It hits all socioeconomic classes and religious levels, she added.

JIW Canada wants to clear up many myths about abuse in order to facilitate their advocacy mission to educate the public about the patterns of abuse that continue in the community, they take survivors of abuse around the community to speak to all types of groups, from teenagers to adults. A few common myths: Many people think that abuse only occurs if you are hit, when in reality the spectrum of abuse is much wide There are no abusers in the Jewish community Shalom Bayit means that Jewish families are always perfect Drugs are used as an excuse for abuse Abuse only happens to people in lower economic levels.